Colonialism

There seems to be some misunderstanding about colonialism floating around the world these days. I blame the Lefties who have been talking tripe (do they ever do anything else?) about it for decades. Colonialism is when one country takes over another, often by force and without regard to the wishes of the people currently living in the country. Which brings me on to this letter, a reply from the UN to the Argentine President, Cristina Kirchner.

Dear President Kirchner,
Thank you for your recent letter regarding a number of issues currently pertaining to the South Atlantic region. Firstly, I would like to congratulate you on selecting the UN as the body best able to assist you in your international dispute with the United Kingdom.

Looking back at our records I see this has cropped up before, in 1982, when the UN helpfully, I think, passed Resolution 502, which also addresses your current claim that the region has been militarised, as the Resolution called for the invading Argentine forces to withdraw from the Islands and for both sides to refrain from using force. Naturally, the UN is very much on your side because of our childish and poorly thought out policies on 'colonialism'.

Argentina was created in 1816 by throwing off the yoke of the Spainish colonial power, becoming an independent country and claiming the Falklands Islands as a colony. Which is obviously fine as any land 400+ miles away is bound to belong to that country. After having a spat with the Americans the Spanish/Argentines were thrown off the Islands and the British snuck up, in 1833 and claimed the Islands (again) for Britain and it has stayed that way ever since.

Naturally, the UN supports the idea of self determination and as the Islands have almost never had any Argentines living there, the population is and wishes to remain British. It is hard therefore, to substantiate your claim that it is provocative of the Islands to have amongst them a member of their own Royal Family. I have, for instance never received a complaint from Ireland when a British Prince visits Wales.

I fear I may have to further disappoint you, by finding that the sending of a warship to the region is not in effect 'militarisation' but, sadly what often happens when a local power starts making threats. Overall then, it seems plain to us at the UN that Argentina is threatening military action, which we cannot condone, in order to obtain a colony in the name of repudiating colonialism. Maybe if your thinking was a tad clearer, you would not be in the mess in Argentina that requires the distraction of a foreign military adventure. Which I'm sure also has no connection with the recent drilling in the area of the Islands.

My military aide also suggests that I urge caution on your part as he says, you should remember that your Air Force, whilst having had a noble tradition is mainly held together with string and sealing wax these days, that your Navy returned to port and stayed there the first time a ship was attacked and your Army saw its officers run away whenever possible and treated the ordinary soldiers with contempt. Soldiers who were massively surprised on arrival not to find themselves in the role of liberators, having been taught at school that the people are forced to remain 'British', but instead as invaders and as such, were detested.

I gather that this didn't upset them too much as no-one wanted to stay on the wind blown place and that it reminded them of the part of Argentina no-one lives in.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to deal with others like you in Syria and elsewhere.